Date:	2002-04-26 02:34
Subject:	random
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	Our Lady Peace - Made to Heal

Natalie confuses me. I don't know what we are. We're friends that have talked a few times. But... I dunno. I bring up things to do... and she's non-receptive. Or at least it kind of seems that way. In any case, we've never actually done anything. And I'm used to doing things with friends... so I'm confused as to exactly what she wants from a friendship. Or if she wants a friendship, or something else. Am I an acquaintance, or... I dunno. Of course I have no idea how to explain this to Natalie or put this into a complete thought in a conversation.. I have no idea how to explain that this isn't because I'm not content with whatever we have now--I am--it's just that I don't know what it is... so... Natalie, if you ever read this, please don't take it the wrong way.

Also... I'm usually really open with people... I tell them everything about me before I get to know them. I also usually like people a lot before I get to know them. I usually make friends really quickly. With Natalie, for some reason I don't understand, I'm more protective. I don't tell her everything about myself like I have with other friends. Maybe it's because Lorin kind of taught me to be more protective (at least right now, when I'm still a bit hurt)... maybe it's because I'm still not sure what Natalie and I are. maybe it's because meeting Natalie wasn't a casual thing.. but.. I'm confused. I hope she doesn't take this the wrong way.. I really like natalie. it just feels awkward sometimes.

That being said...

my mom offered me a job designing HTML templates so she can sell things on Ebay. Somehow that is bad for the both of us, almost as bad as it is good for the both of us, if not more. She's got this crazy ebay addiction, just the same way that she's been addicted to yard sales for as long as I can remember. It's the same thing, really. When I was staying at home, there wasn't a day I can remember where the post office didn't drop off at least one package. It's scary. I swear anthrax people will start targetting my mom because there's no way the post office can check that many packages. "anthrax people". uh huh. sure. anyway....

so I helped paul with java tonight, and it felt good to code something other than CMS. Maybe some day I'll break out into new and different programming languages other than Java. Dare to dream.

I showed paul the old "dandelion whine" image I had.. the one with the boy playing with blocks. I should post it. Well now that I've got some webspace at http://alpha.gdc.wpi.edu/~lmorley/, I'm going to put something there. I asked him what he thought about the boy in the picture in relation to me... He said something like "he looks like he's looking so hard at what's in front of him that he doesn't see what's right in front of him." made me think.

I played piano down in alden, and wrote the words of some of what I was thinking on the board. If you're down in the alden classroom and you see some rhymes over on the left side, that's me. Of course they'll probably be erased.. but oh well. Came up with something new, a bit.. and I'll post all that I was able to eek out here:

I will sacrifice who I am for who I want to be, what I can for what I want to see
I will live this life but I'm so scared of what I don't believe

I think I'm done using LiveJournal. I want more customization, and I'm tired of typing a really long entry only to have their system crash. So I'm gonna write my own system. Of course I'll be the only one who'll ever use it... but I haven't learned PHP yet, and I want to.. so I'm gonna do it.

You can find my new page at http://alpha.gdc.wpi.edu/~lmorley/ .. hope you come visit. It's not nearly finished... but... at least it's up.